How to Stay Calm When a Narcissist Tries to Undermine You

Learn how to keep your composure when a narcissist uses subtle or overt tactics to shake your confidence and credibility.

One of the most emotionally destabilizing behaviors narcissists engage in is undermining — the subtle or overt tearing down of your confidence, credibility, or self-worth. Whether it’s at work, in a relationship, or a family setting, their words can feel like landmines designed to spark self-doubt or emotional overreaction.

Why Narcissists Try to Undermine You

Undermining allows narcissists to feel powerful, superior, and in control. When you begin to thrive — emotionally, professionally, or socially — a narcissist may feel threatened. Their response is often to chip away at your stability to make themselves feel more significant.

When Narcissists Typically Undermine You

Narcissists are strategic. They often choose high-stress, high-visibility, or emotionally vulnerable moments to strike. Examples include:

- Before or during an important event: “You’re going to wear that to your presentation? Bold choice.”

- When you’re excited or happy: “You’re celebrating that promotion? Must be nice to be handed opportunities.”

- When you express vulnerability: “You’re overreacting again — are you sure you’re okay mentally?”

- In front of others: “You always get so emotional. It’s embarrassing sometimes.”

These comments are often made with a smile, sarcasm, or faux concern, giving them plausible deniability if you confront them.

Common Undermining Phrases Used to Provoke You

Here are some real-world phrases narcissists use, and the unspoken messages behind them:

“You’re so sensitive — it was just a joke.”

Translation: “I’m gaslighting you into doubting your reaction.”

“Everyone knows you can’t handle pressure.”

Translation: “I’m using shame to lower your confidence.”

“I don’t think you understand what’s going on.”

Translation: “I’m undermining your intelligence.”

 “I’m just being honest. You don’t have to get upset.”

Translation: “I’m using ‘honesty’ as a weapon to criticize you.”

“People talk — I’m just telling you what I heard.”

Translation: “I’m planting doubt and insecurity.”

Emotional Triggers and How They Work

Narcissists often prey on your deepest emotional insecurities:

- Fear of rejection or not being good enough

- Desire to be understood or respected

- Sensitivity to public humiliation

Recognizing your emotional triggers helps you detach from their control.

Grounding Techniques to Stay Calm

To remain calm during an undermining moment, try these:

1. 4-4-8 Breathing: Inhale 4 seconds, hold 4, exhale 8. Repeat 3–5 times.

2. Mental Scan: “What am I feeling? Why? What’s the truth of this moment?”

3. Use the 5-4-3-2-1 Technique: Identify five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, one you can taste.

Reframing the Narrative

What you tell yourself internally matters. Try these reframes:

• “Their opinion doesn’t define my reality.”

• “This is manipulation, not truth.”

• “I’m calm because I won’t hand them my power.”

Set Real-Time Verbal Boundaries (With Examples)

Use short, direct, calm responses:

• “I’m not okay with that comment.”

• “Let’s keep this respectful.” “We can continue this when it’s constructive.”

• “That’s not helpful — let’s move on.”

These statements signal strength without giving the narcissist an emotional reaction.

Practice & Preparation

To stay calm under pressure:

• Journaling: Write out likely scenarios and your calm responses.

• Roleplaying: Practice conversations with a friend or therapist.

• Affirmations: Use daily affirmations like “I respond, I don’t react.”

When to Walk Away

If the pattern continues and you find yourself emotionally exhausted or manipulated consistently, it may be time to distance yourself. Going low contact or no contact is sometimes the healthiest form of self-protection.

A narcissist’s power lies in your reaction. Take that away, and they lose control. Your ability to stay calm isn’t a weakness — it’s wisdom and strength in action.

The information provided in this article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice. We are not licensed clinicians, mental health professionals, lawyers, or legal advisors. For any concerns regarding mental health or personal situations, please seek advice from a qualified professional. For more details, please read our full disclaimer.