Beware of the Narcissist's Good Wishes in the Public Arena

When praise is performance: How narcissists use "kindness" to control public perception.

Narcissists are masters of appearances, and nowhere is this more evident than when they perform acts of "kindness" or offer seemingly supportive comments in public. At first glance, these gestures may seem genuine—even generous. But beneath the surface lies a calculated effort to manipulate how others perceive them and, more importantly, how others perceive you.  

In public settings, such as family gatherings, social media, workplace events, or community spaces, narcissists may offer you compliments, well-wishes, or expressions of pride. However, these “good wishes” often come with a hidden agenda: to shape a narrative that paints them as kind, caring, or supportive while subtly undermining your credibility, independence, or truth.  

For example, a narcissist might say something like, “I’m so proud of how far you’ve come, especially considering your past mistakes,” or “It’s great to see you finally doing something productive with your life.” These remarks are cloaked in positivity but are laced with condescension or veiled criticism. To the public, it may sound like encouragement—but to you, it lands as control, belittlement, or manipulation.  

 This tactic serves multiple functions:

• It positions the narcissist as a benevolent figure.  

• It triggers self-doubt in the target.  

• It gaslights the audience into believing a false narrative.

Worse, if you react with discomfort or anger, the narcissist can easily flip the script: “I was just being nice. I don’t know why you’re being so sensitive.” This reaction further isolates the target and solidifies the narcissist’s grip on the narrative.  

Imagine a situation where someone had been in a long-term legal dispute with a narcissistic business partner. As part of the settlement agreement, the narcissist was required to publicly acknowledge the truth about the business’s origin and share a pre-approved post on social media. They complied—technically. The post was accurate, even kind on the surface, and publicly expressed goodwill. But shortly after, they published several more self-promotional posts in quick succession, pushing the mandated content out of visibility.  

This move allowed them to check the box legally while maintaining narrative control and reinforcing their desired public image. To outsiders, it looked like a mature resolution. But to the person who’d been battling behind the scenes, it was yet another example of calculated manipulation disguised as cooperation.  

This is the trap: the narcissist appears gracious, but only because it serves their image, not because they’ve changed. If you express frustration, they can say, “What more do you want? I did what was asked,” reinforcing their reputation while casting doubt on your reaction.

Understanding this tactic is crucial for protecting your mental and emotional well-being. Be cautious of overly performative kindness from someone who has a pattern of manipulation behind closed doors. Real support is consistent, respectful, and private when needed, not a stage act for applause.  

Stay aware, trust your intuition, and don’t let public gestures confuse private realities. Your feelings are valid, even if others can’t see the manipulation happening.  

The information provided in this article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice. We are not licensed clinicians, mental health professionals, lawyers, or legal advisors. For any concerns regarding mental health or personal situations, please seek advice from a qualified professional. For more details, please read our full disclaimer.